A severe undertaking

[rhythmaning]

The undertaker was clearly in the wrong job. She seemed startlingly unsympathetic. She didn’t understand what we didn’t understand, and she couldn't answer our questions: she looked at us as if we were foolish to have any questions at all.

She asked what religion my mother was. “None,” we replied. “Shall I put C of E, then?” she asked.

It was more important to her to fill out the form than to interact with us. Perhaps she was scared of death.

Each room in the undertakers was named after a castle, although it was a curious choice of castles: Arundel, Stirling, Balvenie Most of the rooms were named after Scottish castles; I would have liked to be interviewed in Balvenie (a bottle of which I have sitting on my sideboard at home, the 12 yo double wood). Drowning in the spirit seemed kind of appropriate.

We went to see my mother lying in her coffin; she lay “in rest” in Tintagel; next door was Edinburgh, which seemed more appropriate to me, at least.

She didn’t really look like my mother, to me; rather like a poor waxwork. I had expected to be moved – I have after cried a far deal over the past couple of weeks (I am pretty good when it comes to sharing my emotions I have a lot of practice). Perhaps I am all cried out.

I half expected Alyson Hannigan and Sarah Michelle Geller to burst in, stakes at the ready. Well, a boy can dream.

Comments

[stephmog.livejournal.com]

Bodies are odd things when people have vacated them. I expected to be moved when I saw family members in the Chapel of Rest or the hospital morgue, too, but they were just not there in any real sense.

Your undertaker sounds like a prize idiot as far as emotional intelligence goes. A lot of them don't know where to put non-christians in their understanding though. Still, I think it's a job that requires a lot of warmth if it's to be done properly, maybe at some later date a letter might go some way to making sure she thinks more about her interaction with people at work in future.

[rhythmaning.livejournal.com]

Spot on - no EI there at all! I'll admit I'm not sure I will be arsed to write a letter, though...

It did make me think how some people who were more torn up by grief and possibly less articulate might cope with the situation, though. The strangest thing was the decisions she (or "the system") expected us to have taken - such as readings for the funeral, music and so on.

[stephmog.livejournal.com]

We fell foul of that one in my family - the undertaker recommended a 'sympathetic' C of E person to take my dad's funeral service, who in his view was good with people who weren't christians. She turned her nose up at the idea of mum writing the eulogy, she agreed to that eventually and to certain readings and those only, and then when the service actually came around she added a load of lamb of god tripe.. it was terrible. Mum did complain, and informed the funeral directors that they shouldn't recommend her to people any more.

[rhythmaning.livejournal.com]

Oh, that is awful! We are using a humanist to conduct the service - she was very sympathetic, and seemed to warm to my mother.

[stephmog.livejournal.com]

Humanist services are lovely, very much what I would have wanted, unfortunately I didn't find out about them until a friend's funeral last year. At that one there was an 'open floor' session for various people who had known my friend to go up and say a few words or tell a story about something he had done. It really worked, everyone there found out things they hadn't known about him and it was just the most amazing service. I cried lots, mind.

[rhythmaning.livejournal.com]

I think crying is ok at funerals, myself. And other times, too!

[stephmog.livejournal.com]

I can't help it, my emotions leak out of me all the time. Not very British, but then I was described as the most sorted person on Earth by someone very screwed up and repressed the other week, so maybe it is a good thing.

[rhythmaning.livejournal.com]

Well, I think it is fine to cry if one want, and fine not to, too. One of the things that has pissed me off over the last couple of weeks is people asking how I am and then giving me odd looks when I say I'm fine - I clearly don't fit their picture of how I should be feeling or reacting.

[stephmog.livejournal.com]

No two people react to death in the same way. And that's fine, too.